Let me start off by introducing myself: my name is ◩Checker◪, and I am the first official webmaster of the Squirrel Information Bureau On-line Network. 

     I am a hamster.  

     I was originally hired by the SIB to translate local intelligence reports into American English, but a mouse named ⋇Meek⋇ assigned to the on-line project suddenly developed severe arthritis.  The SIB determined the on-line project was so involved that they would need a webmaster, especially one with larger hands and a lot of typing experience.  That is when the SIB came to me.

     Just prior to the official public release of the on-line network, the SIB asked me to write an on-line article to help teach other animals with hands how to type on a standard QWERTY keyboard.  The SIB assigned one of their Agents (to remain nameless) to photograph me using a lightweight paper camera.  I was very pleased to be assigned to the project and eager to get started. 

     We never knew a simple typing lesson would force us to fight for our lives!

     Below is a pictorial account of what occurred that day.

Lesson 1

     For those who are curious, this is a demonstration of how to use the arrow keys and the page movement keys.  As you can see, they are easy to reach for someone my size.

     This was to be the first demonstration of its kind -- a Syrian hamster (nearly blind since birth) teaching other animals how to use a Human keyboard.  I was honored, but a bit overwhelmed by the notion; however, the SIB Agent assisting me helped me keep focused on the task at hand.

     The SIB Agent is taking pictures from the back of a chair located in a Human dwelling.  We broke into a house known through SIB intelligence reports to have a computer and the necessary software very early in the morning (since it's never a good idea to use the same computer your own Human uses, should you be so unfortunate as to have to live with one) and found the computer with little effort.  Humans tend to eat around their keyboards, so follow the smell of old soda and stale cooking oil.

Lesson 2

     Here I am demonstrating use of the blank bar while typing a sentence.  By planting one back foot below the bar, the other hovering just above it, someone my size can readily type complete sentences with little interruption.

     At this point, everything seems clear.  The house was completely silent, except for the sound of the computer fans.  All the lights were out, except for the light shining from the monitor and the flash from the paper camera. 

Lesson 3

     This is a demonstration of how to reach the F-numbered keys.  For someone my size it's a bit of a struggle, however my feet are small enough to wedge between the blank bar and alt key, allowing me to extend my reach significantly.

     This is when the SIB Agent said she needed to change camera angles.

Lesson 4

     Though it isn't used often, the alt key can be used in conjunction with the F-numbered keys by stepping on the alt key with your back foot and reaching forward.

     The SIB Agent is on the desk trying to get a better angle. The house is still quiet at this point.

Lesson 5

     This was supposed to be a demonstration of how to use the four-squares key (it looks like four squares stacked together.)  That allows access to other programs on the computer.  But we never got that far.

     Apparently, we were making enough noise to wake one of the Humans -- a woman with very bad breath that smelled of overripe mango and rotten meat.  We actually smelled her when we entered the house, but she was asleep at the time.  Because of the noise from the computer fans, we didn't hear her until just a few seconds before she entered the room.

Lesson 6

     For the record, Humans don't see well in the dark.  Trying to take advantage of that, we froze in our place hoping the Human would go away before turning on the desk light.  Nature was not on our side at that moment.

     The SIB Agent took this picture by surprise.  Here you can see me making a run for it.  I didn't realize how close I came to being grabbed until I was told about this picture.

Lesson 7

     It soon became apparent to me that I wasn't going to find a way out of this situation, so I had no choice but to turn and defend myself.

     The Human had brought a glass of overripe mango juice over to the desk, coating her hands in glass dew.  I was able to smell the glass dew on her, which gave me her exact location.  That's how I was able to jump on the back of her hand when she turned off her monitor.

Lesson 8

     The SIB Agent wanted to clarify the camera angle for you.   At this point, the SIB Agent jumped on the shoulder of the Human and used the paper camera flash to blind the Human while I continued to make my way up her arm towards her throat, using her rotten meat mango breath as a guide. 

     Can you tell how scared I am?  I can't see this picture, but I remember the moment vividly.  I'm amazed I was able to get my legs to work!

Lesson 9

     This is when I went for the first bite.  Unfortunately, I missed and only grazed the Human.

     If it wasn't for the SIB Agent continuing to blind the Human, I have no doubt that this would have been my last bite.

Lesson 10

     This is the second bite -- the one that caused the Human to fall.  Fortunately, the SIB Agent and I weren't hurt. 

     The Human didn't move after falling.

Lesson 11

     Here I'm examining the Human for signs of life.  She was still breathing, but there was blood where I bit her.  This is when the SIB Agent and I decided the typing lesson was over...    

Lesson 12

     ...but not before a victory pose for posterity. 

     I wanted to pose on the body of the Human, but the SIB Agent informed me that it was better not to photograph anything that could be used as evidence.  Since the previous pictures didn't have the Human's face in them, the SIB Agent felt they were safe for publication.

As you can see, being a typist isn't as boring as you might think.

Join the Squirrel Information Bureau at your next local Job Fair and you too can have an exciting once-in-a-lifetime career like mine!